Catch up to the end of 2014

(This post was actually written in December of 2014, but never posted)

I have been so bad at keeping up on this blog.  Which is sad, because It is so great to be able to look back and relive many of these memories.  My kids are getting so big.  I sometimes forget what it was like when they were toddlers.  Now that they are older, there is so much they can do on their own.  I am always amazed at what they can do. Then there are of course the harder days when hormones, emotions and independence take over (and not my hormones).... Those days aren't the most enjoyable.  However, it helps you appreciate the other days that much more.

Tate is my most determined child right now.  He has really gotten into soccer and golf this year.  There has been times off and on where he gets motivated to wake up an hour earlier so that he can practice these things.  In the summer it was soccer and golf.  Right now he has been practicing his soccer and basketball in the morning before school.  Its pretty cold some mornings in December, even if there isn't any snow.  He does it though.  I just don't think there are many kids who would do what he does.  He also has been really good at getting homework done right after school (or during).  Of course there is the motivation of being able to play with friends.  But it works and I rarely have to get on his case with homework.  He has created such good habits at such a young age.  I am very proud of him.

Addie is a bit of a diva.  She is totally all girl and my little buddy.  There are times though her emotions get to be a little too much, even for me.  I have learned with her you have to be very careful on how you approach things.  A good example of this was this summer.  We were going to a park for a picnic, playing and rocket shooting.  There were a lot of trails at this park as well.  Obviously we would dress casual and in clothes that can get dirty.  Addie chose her clothes and came downstairs ready to go.  When I saw her, I had to stop and think really hard about what I was going to say to her and how.  She was wearing this brand new white lace shirt and white pants.  It was a pretty nice outfit and did you read that it was ALL WHITE! Very carefully I told her how much I loved that outfit, but it would be so sad if it got ruined since we would be playing in grass, dirt and playgrounds.  I recommended we find another outfit more suitable for where we were going.  I guess I blew it, because that set her off.  All all heard was how this was the ONLY outfit she waned to wear and had been planning on wearing it all day.  It was her favorite and there was no other outfit that could take it's place.  With that, Addie said she was not going.  She stormed to her room and closed the door.

The drama lasted for quite some time.  Of course we ended up being late.  Eventually after telling her we were going regardless if she did or not, she finally gave in.  She said she would change and meet us in the car.  We waited and eventually she came out.  But this time (remember its mid summer) she came out in long warm pants and a long sleeve shirt.  She was dressed for winter.  I wasn't sure what to do.  It was going to be a hot day.  I chose to mention my concern but let her decide.  "Addie", I said.  "It is going to be pretty warm outside.  Are you sure you want to wear that".  You could tell she did not like to be questioned.  She jumped in the car and said "YES, I hate short sleeves because the grass is itchy and it will make me uncomfortable.  I know what I'm doing".  So I left it at that.

Addie is very strong willed.  But I know it will be a good thing in the future.  She doesn't take crap from anybody.  As long as she is staying strong for the right reasons, she will do some great things.

Besides the drama Addie has actually amazed me a ton this year.  She really wanted to be part of a dance competition team.  This requires many hours of dance and dedications.  I was worried with her going from half a day of kindergarten to a full day of school, in first grade, then to 2-3 hours of dance after.  She begged and begged.  Part of me was worried that if she didn't do it, then she would be so much more behind the girls who did and not have a chance at making team in the future.  We talked several times about how much time this would take and if you commit, you commit.  You can't quite because it cost lots of money and you have a team depending on you.  My strong willed girl wasn't going to step down.  She wanted to do it.

I expected many melt downs,  complaining and struggling to keep up with school.  Instead, she followed her brother in developing good habbits.  She goes to the studio and before her dance classes, finishes her homework and eat her food I pack for her.  She then gets dressed for her classes and dances.  There are days she is tired but she rarely complains and I have been so impressed with how well she has kept up with everything.  I am even more surprised at how well she has been doing in school.  Addie struggles much more than Tate ever did.  However, she has continued to work on her reading and math and has improved sooo much!  This is where her string will will pay off.

Both of my children have grown up so much. Later I will share some more amazing things they have done.

Near the end of last year, we had news of my dads cancer.  Things have been going well as they thought they actually got it all.  However, this Nov. we have learned that that may not be the case.
 We won't know for sure til end of January.  This is hard, especially because of the waiting.  There is also many other changes that have taken place, or that are about to, and we need to focus on getting those things in order first.  I try to not think too much about it as it would not be good for me to right now.  We have huge change taking place in our own family (Matt, I , Tate and Addie).  Since there isn't anything we can do but wait, my plan is to adjust to our new changes as soon as possible and have everything on our to do list completed before the end of the year.  Depending on the news of my dad, I will then hopefully be able to put in the time I want for him as well.  Until I know for sure, I would rather think everything is still good.  I think thats the best way to get through these next couple months.

Now for the BIG change in mine and Matts little family.  For the past few years or more, we have struggled with infertility.  This is crazy because Tate and Addie came with now effort at all.  Actually the opposite of trying.  We wanted to wait for the kids to get a little older before we tried agian and then  the move to califonia happened.  Once we moved to Californina we decided to wait a little longer and get settled their.  Eventually we decided that we would see what happened regarding adding to our family.  after months of this, nothing happened.  My body started to take on some weird changes and 30 happened.  We stepped up the game and began using ovulation test and so forth.  Nothing.  After a year of this, once we moved back to Utah, we decided to take the next step.  We started going to an infirtility clinic.

At first I thought regardless of the outcome, I would be ok.  I knew we were blessed with our two children already and I didn't want to be ungrateful.  However, as the process continued, it became more hard emotionally.  I feel I can't even complain knowing that others have gone through this from the beggining of their journey to build a family.  There are those who never figure out why their bodies won't create a baby.  Even though adoption is a blessing of it's own, its hard feeling like something is wrong with you and knowing your can't have your own biological child.  I cannot imagine what those indiviuals went through after getting a small taste of my own struggles.

Each time we went in for something I figured it was going to work.  Both Tate and Addie came so easily.  We started with clomid (fertility drugs).  We did this 3 or 4 times.  Each time failed to help us get our baby.  The next step was artificial insemination.  This had to work as the process was much more complex.  3 times and no baby.  By this time I started to be doubtful.  Our next and final step was IVF.  Preparing for this, your body has to go through a lot.  There are alot of injections you have to take to control your body and get it to develope the eggs you need.  It isn't easy and doesn't make you feel the best.

We did our first round and it failed.  It had now been over three years and I was a mess.  I didn't think I would take it so hard.  But we were nearing the end of this journey and knew this would determine if we move on with the family we have or start all over and bring in a new baby.  So much was unknown and I wanted to know what was to come and move on.  It was emotionally draining.

In between our first and second round of IVF my doctor noticed some polips in my uterus and I had a small procedure to remove those. We only had 1-2 more chances wirh IVF, so for our next round we chose to put in two embryos.  Matt and I decided this was it.  We needed to move on if this time the embyos didn't take.  We now were to the point were we were literally starting all over (in the baby stage) if we had another baby.  There was also the emotion of just feeling emotionally exhausted.

To be continued ......